The Pink Terror

     News items about school personnel jumping off the cliff
of absurdity when they imagine a gun, long ago became too
common place to provoke me to write about them.  Apparently
these school personnel feel neglected.  They launched a bold
new strike to gain my attention.  And, it worked.

     Schools have suspended young boys for pointing fingers
and saying bang, and for drawing pictures of guns.  One boy
was suspended for biting his sandwich into the shape of a gun. 
Gun replicas on key chains have brought down the wrath of the
school gods.

     How could the school personnel hope to leap over the bar
they set so high?  The Mount Carmel Area School District in
Pennsylvania made it over the bar without even breaking a
sweat.  The school dished out a 10-day suspension to a girl for
making a "terrorist threat" and branded her as a "threat to harm
others."

     The school also ordered the girl to have a psychological
evaluation.  The school threatened to call the police.

     Perhaps this was all part of a well-intentioned attempt to
serve egalitarianism and political correctness.  Most prior gun
charges were against boys.  Girls have now had their day.

     Of course, I now face a lecture from my grammar check
program for having used the word "girls."  This is only one of
the perils I endure to bring you this column.  The main reason I
use the grammar checker is for the humor it provides.  Among
other things, it routinely recommends that I replace "most " with
"mostness."   I'm including mostness here just to tease the
grammar checker.

     What did this naughty girl do?  While at the bus stop she
made mention of shooting a classmate.  Perhaps this sounds
serious.  How serious is a threat to shoot someone with a pink,
Hello Kitty bubble gun?  When I was in school, teachers were
more concerned about the threat to civilization from bubble gum.

     Not only that, a search of the girl's possessions found that
she didn't even have the assault weapon in her possession.  She
would probably be in solitary confinement now if she had been
carrying the dangerous weapon.  A picture of the offending
weapon on the Internet looked more like an ear syringe than a
gun.

     In defense of the school, it is never too soon to nip
violence in the bud.  How much sooner can you start than with a
five-year old kindergarten girl?  If she gets away with her
"terrorist threat," how long before marauding gangs of five-year
old girls will roam the school threatening to shoot everyone with
soap bubbles?  What could be more dangerous than squirts with
squirt guns?  One possibility is Mount Carmel Area School
personnel with jobs.

     Of course, then the school would have to remove all soap
dispensers to avoid supplying ammunition to the young terrorists. 
This could lead to dirty hands and the spread of disease.  An
epidemic might wipe out everyone in the school, including the
five-year old terrorists.  If the epidemic spread to the
surrounding community, and then the world, it might wipe out
civilization, assuming there is still some civilization to wipe out.

     Should we be grateful to the far sighted school personnel
who risked scorn and ridicule to save our civilization?  Perhaps
causing a bit of trauma to five-year old girl is a small price to
pay for saving humanity from extinction.  On the other hand, if
the personnel of the Mount Carmel Area School District are
examples of the height of our civilization, What is there left to
save?

     To be on the safe side, Should we all write to our
congress critters demanding that they outlaw pink bubble guns. 
The punishment for possession of these dastardly weapons
should be at least capital punishment for the first offense. 
Repeat offenders should be dealt with severely.

aldmccallum@gmail.com
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Copyright 2013
Albert D. McCallum
18440 29-1/2 Mile Road
Springport, Michigan 49284