Save the Elves

Column for week of February 24, 2014                           

     I tried to ignore the subject of this column.  Some things
seem too unbelievable to write about.  Still, it haunts me. 
Perhaps the only way to exorcise the demons is to give them
their day.  I hope they don't end up haunting you.

     The following from "News of the Weird" launched my
journey:
"To build an iron ore smelting plant in Iceland in 2009, Alcoa
Inc. was forced to kowtow to the country's national obsession
that elves ('hidden people') live underground and that
construction projects must assure that the little fellas have had a
chance to scatter gracefully to new habitats. Alcoa hired the
necessary elf-monitoring 'engineers,' and eventually the project
proceeded. In December 2013, the government announced it was
temporarily abandoning a major road project connecting a
remote peninsula and the capital of Reykjavik after it was
'learned' that the route would disturb an 'elf church.'  The likely
outcome, again, according to an Associated Press dispatch, is
that the project will resume once the elves have relocated.
[Associated Press via San Jose Mercury News, 12-23-2013]"

     Obviously it is true.  What more proof is needed than
that after the delays they never find any elves?  That proves that
they relocated.  If the elves weren't there, How could they have
relocated?

     This raises the burning question, Where did the elves
come from?  I was offered the explanation that the elves
migrated from the North Pole in search of a warmer climate. 
How could they have accomplished that journey?  Perhaps they
are Keebler elves that fled from living in trees and making
cookies.

     I found a far more believable explanation.  Vikings
settled Iceland.  The Vikings had few qualms about invading and
raiding other countries.   They probably kidnapped some
leprechauns from Ireland and took them to Iceland.  Iceland is
only one letter from being Ireland.  Besides that, both are
islands.  The transplanted leprechauns should have felt at home.

     To survive in the cold climate of Iceland the leprechauns
moved under ground where they remain.  In as much as no one
has ever seen one of the elves, Who can prove they aren't
leprechauns?

     Why is the government of Iceland so protective of the
elves?  The main function of the elves is to delay and disrupt
productive work.  The elves have never been caught doing any
productive work themselves.  They operate in secret, mainly
making a nuisance of themselves by disrupting the lives and
productivity of others.

     Simply put, the elves are a spitting image of a
government program.  The government of Iceland is only taking
care of its own.

     What could be more natural than government requiring an
elf impact study before beginning any project?  So what if the
elves don't actually exist?  Governments are famous for
requiring the private sector to hire highly paid consultants to
study problems that don't exist anywhere outside the minds of
bureaucrats and a few fanatics.

     Don't be surprised if the US government discovers
colonies of elves in the good old US of A.  Of course, once the
elves are spotted they will be spotted elves. That will make them
even more special.

     Keebler might be willing to hire the elves to make
cookies.  The government won't allow this.  It might disrupt the
native culture of the elves forcing them to be something they
really aren't.

     If this winter doesn't end soon, expect to see more
columns about things weirder than elves in Iceland.  The elves
may not be real.  The cabin fever is.  Please excuse me for now. 
I must answer the door.  I believe I hear a goblin knocking. 
Probably it is just as well that I stop writing now, before this
column takes a turn toward the weird.

aldmccallum@gmail.com
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Copyright 2014
Albert D. McCallum