The Safest City in the USA

Column for week of March 10, 2014

     Today I will give some long over due recognition to the
safest city in the USA.  The usual way to announce such an
award is to start with a list of finalists and work from bottom to
top building breathless suspense.  You may have noticed that I'm
not big for doing things in the usual way.

     Besides, there isn't a list of finalists.  Charleston, South
Carolina is in a class all by itself.  Oops, did I just let the feline
out of the sack?  That's okay.  All the more space to praise
Charleston for how it won the award.

     Until I read a recent article from "Reason" I was unaware
that Charleston has no real crime, no robberies, rapes and
murders.  Apparently people don't even jaywalk, spit on
sidewalks, or litter the parks.  Certainly, if Charleston had real
crime its biggest problem wouldn't be finding something for
cops to do besides sit in donut shops all day and get fat.

     The city was a little short on ideas for dealing with this
problem.  Then someone discovered Charleston is blessed with a
number of pedal powered rickshaws that offer rides in the city.

     Police got a tip about a crime wave centered in those
rickshaws.  At least it was what passes for a crime wave in
Charleston.  Some rickshaw drivers were allegedly talking about
the city and its past while pedaling.  Apparently Charleston has
also eradicated texting while driving and moved forward to deal
with talking while pedaling.

     The ever diligent police swung into action.  They devised
a sting operation.  Cops ingeniously disguised as tourists
purchased rides in the rickshaws.  Once on board the cops tried
to entice the drivers to talk about the city's past.  One of six
drivers couldn't resist the temptation.  Like most hardened
criminals he gave in to his dark side and started talking about
the city's past.

     At the end of the ride the heroic undercover cop gave the
driver a ticket for talking too much about the wrong things.  The
ticket imposed a fine of more than a thousand dollars. 
Charleston gets serious when it ferrets out real crime.

     Why was talking about the city's past a crime?  Only
licensed tour guides who have paid their tribute/protection
money to the city may engage is such dangerous talk.  The
public must be protected from all others.  I hate to leave you
hanging but it is up to you to figure out how Charleston's
victimization of rickshaw drivers is different from Mafia
protection rackets.

     It must be comforting to Charleston residents that they
live in a city where the biggest crime is talking about the city. 
Of course some, such as rickshaw drivers, may consider other
crimes to be more serious.  The cops took some rather indecent
liberties with the Bill of Rights in general and free speech in
particular.

     The saga isn't over yet.  The Institute for Justice has
intervened on behalf of the rickshaw driver.  We can only hope
that in the end it is Charleston and its under worked cops who
get stung.

     A number of years ago I wrote about people in Rome
being arresting for pointing out landmarks without a license. 
Somehow it seemed a lot more humorous when it was on the
other side of the pond.

     I am generally all for the benefits of free trade.  I must
admit there is one import we should ban.  We produce a more
than adequate supply of our own.  We don't need to import more
bad laws.  Competition inspires innovation.  We don't need
anything that might inspire lawmakers to produce even worse
laws.

     Considering how unsafe Charleston is for our
Constitution, perhaps I should consider rescinding its award.  On
the other hand I don't know that the Constitution is any less safe
in Charleston than in the rest of the country.  The Constitution is
certainly no less safe in Charleston than in Washington, D.C.

aldmccallum@gmail.com
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Copyright 2014
Albert D. McCallum