Zero Tolerance -- The New Frontier

Column for week of March 9, 2015

     For some time I have worried that the masters of zero
tolerance in schools were approaching the limits of creativity. 
How could they possibly come up with new and more
ridiculous reasons for suspending students?  A recent news
article suggests the answer.

     "A fourth grade boy in Odessa, Texas has been
suspended from school for making a terroristic threat.  He told
another boy that he had a magic ring and could make him
disappear."  That is a bit creative.  It doesn't plow new ground
though.  Another school previously suspended a boy for writing
about shooting an imaginary dinosaur with an imaginary gun.

     The suspended boy's father didn't appear to take the
"terroristic threat" quite as seriously as did the school principal. 
The father told the principal "his son lacked the magical
powers necessary to threaten his friend's existence, but even if
he had those powers, he's sure his son would bring his friend
right back."

     The principal's rational was "threats to another child's
safety would not be tolerated - whether they are magical or
not."  Perhaps the principal should be transferred to a drug free
school zone.  It sounds like she may have already ingested a
few too many magic mushrooms.  I wonder what will happen
if a student threatens to turn the principal into a toad. 

     Naturally there is more to the story.  The boy was a
chronic offender with two previous suspensions in a mere six
months.

     His first offense was calling an African-America
"black."  If the African-America was from Egypt, Algeria or
Morocco, this was probably wrong (wrong like in mistake).  If
mistakes are grounds for suspension, schools will be rather
empty, especially principals' offices.

     I am a bit puzzled by the second suspension.  The boy
brought "his favorite book to school, called 'The Big Book of
Knowledge.'  The popular children's encyclopedia had a section
on pregnancy with a pregnant woman in an illustration."  Why
this offended the principal is truly mystifying.  Considering
schools enthusiasm for sex education, Why didn't the boy get
bonus points instead of a suspension?

     None of these suspensions strain the envelope of what
schools have already done.  Obviously the principal is looking
to the future.  Why not?  The future is the only thing we have
ahead of us.  When all silly suspensions become so common
place that no one, even me, will write about them, Do you
expect school administrators to quietly fade into the
background and out of the spotlight?

     This pioneering principal has pointed the way to a new
frontier.  Principals can now focus on creating the most bizarre
and longest combinations of the old, boring suspensions.  How
about extra points for those who complete the assignment in
the shortest time?

     I have long been puzzled by schools' enthusiasm for
suspensions.  Schools send out truant officers to drag in
"students" who don't show up for school.  Sometimes the
parents of the truants are threatened with arrest.  Why then
does the school suspend the students it already has captured?

     I may have a creative solution.  Redefine truancy as self
suspension.  A student who doesn't believe he belongs in
school could suspend himself, just like an administrator with
the same belief could.  The student is a truant no more.  He is
merely serving a suspension.  Of course, students should be
entitled to as much creativity as principals when imposing
suspensions.

     The hardcore egalitarians should love this.  Students and
principals could be equal.  Notice, I only said "could be."   I
don't want to be sued for defamation by the students.

aldmccallum@gmail.com
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Copyright 2015
Albert D. McCallum