Fair Warning

Column 2018-5 (11/12/18)

It recently came to my attention that the nation’s obsession with political warfare has distracted our guardians in government from one of their most important missions, the proliferation of warning labels.

The item that first caught my attention originated in Russia, or perhaps in the Onion. It reported that a man was found in a field with a knife in his head. Fortunately he was alive. Otherwise we would probably never have known what happened.

The man was having difficulty breathing. He decided to open a new hole for breathing. No explanation was provided as to why he chose to start digging in the top of his head.

I haven’t seen the knife. Still, I am willing to bet it didn’t have a proper warning label. “WARNING: opening a breathing bypass with this tool may cause serious injury or death.”

The next day I found (actual stumbled onto) an article that hit closer to home. Researchers claimed that sitting kills three times more people than smoking. My exhaustive research (more than one minute) discovered a claim that cigarette smoking kills more than 480,000 people in the USA each year.

This suggests that sitting kills nearly a million and a half people each year. How many killer chairs are you harboring in your home? Sofas and park benches are probably serial killers.

Firearms death are reported to be 40,000 or less per year. That is in the same neighborhood as deaths from motor vehicle crashes. So, grab a cigarette and a gun. Then go for a drive. Your biggest risk will be that you are sitting. Of course, keep in mind that statistics will confess to anything, if they are tortured long enough.

Still, there are no background checks or waiting periods for purchasing chairs. Even worse, a mere child can walk into a store with a few dollars, and walk out armed with a killer chair. Most likely that chair won’t even have a proper warning label, such as: “It is known to the state of California that chairs cause death.”

If you are a regular reader of warning labels, you may have noticed how smart California is. It knows about all sorts of hazards that the benighted residents of the hinterlands can’t even imagine. Should California have a warning label? How about “Living in California may cause serious brain damage?”

One vital question remains unanswered. Are California warnings valid outside of California? The Californians who compose those dire warnings probably are unaware that there is anything outside of California.

Should I even ask, How great is the risk from smoking while sitting? Give government credit for leading the way on this one. It drove smokers outside to indulge in their pastime standing on the sidewalk. How many lives have been saved by getting smokers to stand up? Should the cigarette warnings be revised to: “It is hazardous to sit while smoking?”

After I wrote the above I learned of anther hazard branded “as bad as smoking.” Staying out of the sun can shorten lives as much as smoking does. What will happen to anyone who smokes while siting in the shade? I see another warning label in our future: “WARNING: Sunscreen can cause death.”

I believe that passing on these warnings is important. I took the risk of doing it. Some may ask, What is the risk? I am bravely sitting in a chair, out of the sun, while typing this vital warning. Will I make it to the next paragraph?

aldmccallum@gmail.com

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Copyright 2018

Albert D. McCallum